So it has become crystal clear that my mission in this life is to explore + learn in order to share + nurture. That being said Lyme Disease keeps you on your toes. And makes sure to keep those exploration + learning gigs firmly in place. Just when you think you've got your detox routines truly detoxing, your nutrition rituals fully nourishing, your healing protocols building you back up piece by piece...and you've got your dreams cranking and you are engaging with the world again and spreading love...
it says NOPE, YOU'VE GOT SOME MORE CRACKING OPEN OF YOUR HEART TO DO. For exploring + learning purposes of course. To then share + nurture of course.
I try to keep my posts positive + eloquent. But here is what I haven't really said out loud or to you very often: having Lyme Disease is absolute torture. Absolute complete heartbreak. It feels like you are a flower who is never allowed to bloom. It is hard to picture the future. To see it in focus. There are moments when I have acknowledged that this illness is a gift. A beautiful opportunity. Yes. For sure. I have learned SO much. But there are more moments than not where I have surrendered to the darkness of it all. The heaviness. The terrifying parts. It's just so endless. And having a relapse feels like the ultimate defeat. To work so hard every day to keep my immune system strong, to have gone through unimaginable treatments, to continue a minute to minute battle, only to once again be bedridden and in excruciating pain. A pain that I can only describe to people as a combo of mono, the worst flu of your life, mixed with bone cancer for an extra deep soul test. It feels like the loneliest place on earth. And it is almost impossible to think daily of forging ahead.
But there is exploring to be done, answers to be found, and knowledge to be shared. That is why I am here. And that is what I will continue to do.